Storm Preperations Have Begun

When you live in the south the word snow bring excitement. The word ice bring panic. We are hearing both words and live on the dividing line. Ice means downed power lines and trees are abundant on the farm and the roads leading to our farm. We are heeding the warnings and preparing for the developing storm.

Laundry is being processed, soups are being cooked and bread is being baked in case of a power outage. Thankfully, we have gas logs and solar backup batteries ready. Outside we are building a sheep shelter, moving the grill to a sheltered area, placing hay near the sheep and making sure the dogs have a safe shelter. These ice storms are rare but dangerous.

When you find out a loved one has Alzheimer’s disease, this is a storm warning. You should begin preparing yourself and your home before the storm hits. This may sound absurd considering absurd mean wildly unreasonable, and illogical. Your heart will not allow you to face the harsh reality that life as you have known it is about to be shaken and rocked in ways you can not imagine.

It would be unkind and uncaring for me to not make you aware of what the future may hold. Just as I am preparing for the snow and ice storm heading my direction, I planned for changes as my mom began living with Alzheimer’s disease. My dad was her primary caregiver, but should he have passed away first, I was next in line. This meant researching in home caregivers, assisted living facilities and physicians should I have to relocate mom to me. I lived with plans a, b and c in place. A suitcase was always packed and ready to go if dad called for help.

I traveled back and forth from my home to theirs for several years. These trips allowed me to be there for physician appointments and to evaluate how the disease was progressing. They also gave my dad a break. Each trip waas heartbreaking on the drive home. I would be making mental notes on what I had experienced.

Eventually, we had to hire in home help. Then move to a memory care assisted living. Dad began to lose cognitive judgment and executive order skills. We moved mom to a skilled care facilty. In the last few months both parents moved to nearby facilities near me. Dad could walk from his assisted living to mom’s skilled care through a covered and enclosed walkway. I could be there as often as possible, which was usually about 5 times a week.

All of the decisions about moves and care plans had been in place before we needed them. We were on waiting lists knowing we could say no if we weren’t ready yet.

To be able to make these decisions, you have to research, observe changes, ask questions. Seek out an elder care lawyer for wills, power of attorney, trust, etc. Have hippa forms signed, make decisions on DNR orders, decide how to handle feeding tube decisions. Then gather family and friends to be backup support when needed. Trust me on this one. You will need support!

We started this blog discussing our stormy weather ahead. My husband and our neighbor are working together to prep for this storm. Life has taught us to accept and offer help. Caregiving has taught us that the load is lighter when we share it.

The word Alzheimer’s is one you will hear someday in your family or friend group.

Over 7 million Americans are currently living with Alzheimer’s disease, and this number is

projected to rise to nearly 13 million by 2050.

Now is the time to prepare for hearing those words. Instead of living in fear, live prepared. Find a seminar or support group and educate yourself.

Word for Today

Psalm 4:8

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Life is full of storms that we must face. I trust in you to guide my steps as I prepare to face the storms. Give me your peace as th storm rages. Give me hope that you are in the storm with me.

Amen

Most Critical Mistakes I Made as a Caregiver

Caregiving is usually full of lessons to learn the hard way. Each and every caregiver I know can share their own stories of what they learned. I will share a few today from my own experience.

Communication is vital even when others do not understand or agree. I should have talked to my mom about her concerns and fears early on. My heart and emotions were reeling and I was afraid to. She had always been responsible and hid her own emotions well. This made it hard to know how she was processing information. Knowing how important it is to show empathy, I should have taken her hand and acknowleged that I was scared and sad too. Even if she did not vocalize her feelings, I could have let her know I was with her and understood.

I would have tried harder to help my dad understand how his own behavior would have to change. When you care for someone with Alzheimer’s disease what works one day may not work the next. We cannot argue and try to reason with them. Their reality and ours may be very different, but we have to move into theirs to be effective.

I would understand the behavior changes due to pain and fight placing her in a geri-psych unit without treating the pain first. We had a terrible experience when we placed mom in a memory care unit. They called about four days later and told me she was out of control and I had to take her to the hospital. She was angry anad aggressive which was totally not the person I knew.

It was late in the evening and the nurse was waiting on us. They took her straight into the emergency exam room. I called for someone to come and take dad home. When I came back into the room, they were testing for a uti infection. It was positive. The nurse lifted my mom’s top and saw red. I watched in horror as they removed her bra and she cried in pain. A nasty yeast infection was under her breast. The nurse saw my shock and asked where mom had been living. I told her and saw her spring into action to calm mom and immediately bring a physician in. I would not want to have been the person from the facility that answered the call when I heard his reprimanding.

I allowed mom to be admitted into the geri-psych unit because that is what they suggested. Today, I would have asked for a regular room for a couple of days to treat the uti and yeast infection. I would have stayed with her 24/7 and evaluated the anger and aggression. Then agreed to the other if behavior was still an issue. This was a hard lesson learned!

These units are necessary. The medications used do not always work. They try one and then another. This process sped the loss of skills and my mom never regained them. She had walked in and was talking well. We came out in a wheelchair and speaking fewer words. I knew she was overmedicated and began talking to her physician. He and I together decided to move mom to a skilled care facility where their medical director could ease her off of some of the meds.

These lessons are shared not to scare you, but to help you understand it is not easy to always know what to do. My mom would have lost those skills anyway as the disease progressed.

Caregiver stress is real. My dad was showing signs of poor judgment and decision making as mom’s disease progressed. I should have monitored finances earlier than I did. Someone not in the family had been talking dad out of quite a bit of money. He had always been a generous and kind man, so she took advantage of that. It was elder abuse. My brother and I confronted dad with the bank records and ended the situation thankfully.

We actually dealt with one parent with Alzheimer’s disease, one with mini strokes, one with cancer and another with what we thought was vascular dementia. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia, I accepted that. As time passed it, I questioned the diagnosis and her physician had moved. Strange and stranger behaviors were happening. There were days that she came across as her normal self and others full of delusions and hallucinations. After her death, I found that one of the most unusual behaviors had a name, Capgas syndrone.

It is a rare psychological condition where an individual believes that a loved one has been replaced by an identical imposter. She would tell us her husband had been there. If someone reminded her that he was deceased, she would say “you know what I mean, it was the other him”. One day during a visit, she insisted that we were not the real us. We looked, sounded and acted like the real us but we were not the real us.

All the the above led me to believe that she actucally had Lewy Bodies which is often misdiagnosed. I would have tried harder to find her true diagnosis. It would not have changed how we cared for her, but it would have helped other family members understand what she was facing and helped them accept what we were dealing with.

My mistakes allowed me to learn to observe more, be patient, be diligent and remain humble. Trusting God to strength me and give me wisdom and grace got me through.

Word for Today

Philippians 2:14-16 (New International Version

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your amazing love and grace. You are where I run when I feel regret over my mistakes. You hold me in your arms and comfort me when I walk in pain. You pick me up and steady me to keep going.

Amen

It has been 10 years

Today I dedicate this post to my beautiful mom.

Dear Momma,

If you could see my heart, you would see little stitches sewn by God as he heals the gaping hole you left when you passed ten years ago. Every ounce of me wanted to take the horrible disease called Alzheimer’s from you. I coudn’t, so I decided to learn everything I could about how to help you and make you feel loved and cared for.

Little things remind me of you all the time. When I received red roses for my anniversary this month, I remembered how much you enjoyed them when Dad bought them for you. When I savor grapes, I remember how much you loved them. Wearing pieces of your jewelry makes me feel joy. An unfinished jigsaw puzzle sits on my dining room table. Actually, it is your dining room table we used to sit at together.

Don’t feel bad about me taking care of you. Those years are treasures for me. I saw little glimpses of all that you are. The inhibitions disappeared and I saw a fun woman giggling and humming. It was a side of you that you had hidden away to be a responsible and mature adult.

I watched a woman who was secretly called the sugar police by her sisters devour cookies, ice cream and desserts. It felt freeing to see you were more normal than we had thought.

I learned to love my family deeply from you. I learned to make sacrifices for others from you. I learned to clean from you, but it didn’t make me a total neat freak like you were.

You took phone calls at home from confused older customers at the bank. You gave children a ride to church. You rocked babies in the church nursery. You shared food from your garden. You would go to the nursing home to feed my grandfather when he wouldn’t eat for anyone else. You drove through the night to be there for my toddler while I was in the hospital with her baby brother. You even picked cotton by hand to buy fabric for my new clothes when I started to school. The wonderful memories of you are flooding over me now.

Your family has grown a bit since you were here. With my brother having six children, we have had a few weddings and a few more babies. Liz wore your ring at her wedding. She asked for a photo of you and dad to display. I chose a photo without noticing that you had that very ring on. We both teared up when we realized it. You have two amazing great-grandsons now. What a reunion we will have one day!

It was an incredible honor to walk on one side and have dad on the other as we walked you toward your final home. You and dad made me a better person. I love you so deeply and am looking forward to joining you in heaven when my life here is over. Give dad a hug and ask him to give you one for me.

Love,

Your daughter

My letter was how I chose to journal today. Journaling is one of the many ways I learned to cope. Realizing that being in the moment with my mom where she was in her mind at the time made taking care of her much easier. The years spent taking care of her long distance and in her home were difficult. Many lessons were learned about God’s incredible grace and strength. Moving mom to skilled care was heartwrenching, but dad visited daily and I did once she moved closer to me during her final days.

I cannot count the tears that rolling down my cheeks as a caregiver. I shed tears writing this post. Comfort was always found in knowing that God saw those tears. When Jesus came to his friend Lazarus’s tomb, he wept. If Jesus wept, then it is perfectly fine for us to weep as well.

You will find your own ways to cope. You will grow and stretch. In the end, you will be stronger than you ever thought possible. Keep giving it your best my friends!

Word for Today

honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.

Matthew 19:19

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you for the time I had on earth with my wonderful mom. Thank you for walking with me each step of the way. You held me when I was broken. You comforted me when I was scared. You gave me strength to do things I never knew I was capable of doing.

I ask today that you do the same for anyone reading this. Pour unexpected blessings into their life. Send friends to share the load they carry. Give them peace at night to rest.

Amen

You Are What You Eat

Has anyone noticed all the the information talking about how certain foods cause or protect you from dementia? I see new ones every day. My personal thoughts are that the chemicals used to grow or preserve our food is the real issue.

Of course I am curious as any person with a family member who had Alzheimer’s. I want to provide my body what it needs. In the past I was guilty of feeding my family processsed food due to the cost of fresh food. I did the best I could but growing your own food is not always easy. It is time consuming and you need good soil.

Just a few minutes ago I was in the pasture helping my husband move our sheep. Yesterday was my day to wash the pile of eggs in our basket. If you leave fresh eggs on the counter they remain fresh for quite a while. Once they are washed we refrigerate them. In the summer we barter or gift friends. When they are really plentiful we freeze dry for using them in the winter.

My pantry has fresh honey, jams, jellies, vegetable soup, pickled okra and relishes. The freezer has grass fed beef, locally sourced pork and vegetables. Our goal is to grow all we can. We use no chemicals or pesticides. Rabbit manure makes excellent fertilizer.

This year we used our beeswax to make lip balms, candles and hand cream. Avoiding chemicals and modified seeds and hybrid seeds is our ambition. We save seeds as well.

Yes, I ran down a rabbit trail with this post. It is very freeing to be able to eat healthier since moving to our farm. We bought this place from my husband’s parents and they built a smaller home next to us. This is not where I ever expected to be, but seeing they were aging and one was showing signs of cognitive decline is what brought us here.

It is a return to my roots. Memories of running my bare feet through fresh tilled soil, riding on the tractor with my grandfather, gathering eggs with my aunt and sitting under the shade tree while shelling peas flood my mind. I guess a t shirt with GRITS would sum it all up because I am a girl raised in the south. In this return, I am more conscious of how healthy living feels.

Nourishing our bodies with good food and watching chemicals in our lotions, shampoos, and other things applied to our skin may just keep our health as great as we can. I see this as a prevention program so my mind remains strong as long as possible.

While you may not be able to grow your own food, you can grow what you can and avoid processed foods when possible.

I urge you to grow your food!

patio
raised beds
community gardens

Seek good sources!

visit farms or farmers markets that are organic
join a co-op for farm shares
barter a service or skill with a local farmer
See if friends at your church have eggs or vegetables

I know it is not easy to plant, harvest, cook from scratch and then clean! Look at it as an investment for your body. I am truly blessed to be at a place in my life where farming is our lifestyle. Moving here to be a caregiver has become a huge blessing now that my caregiving season has ended. All of the hard work saves on gym fees!

It is difficult to find the time to grow your food. Consider the benefits of making this a time to get outdoors with the one you take care of. Invite friends to join you. Isolation may fade away when neighbors drop by to see what you are doing.

God placed Adam and Eve in a garden to begin with.

Word for Today

For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Luke 12:23-34

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think I understand how wonderful Adam and Eve’s lives could have been. We all struggle to pull weeds in our garden and in our lives. We have allowed both weeds to choke out your amazing goodness that awaits us. Give us the courage to pull the weeds that choke our hearts with fear, anxiety and hopelessness. Give us more faith to trust you and your plan for our lives.

Amen

Hiding the Stress and Pain

Some of us carry pain and stress inside. Others see a smiling face and admire our strength, especially those in our church. They know our trust and strength are in God alone. We do have peace, but even those who have faith and strength hurt.

Yesterday I saw a woman hugging and smiling as she entered the sanctuary. When I asked how she was, I saw a tiny hole in the “everything is ok” mask. A few questions coming from a fellow caregiver opened that hole and I saw weariness, tiredness and pain.

God began to remind me of the many times someone had not only prayed for me but actually put their arms around me and gave me a safe place to let the raw emotions escape as tears. I approached her and did just that. She sobbed as I prayed.

I know her faith in God is solid. I know she has a beautiful heart and spirit. I walked in her shoes not too long ago. I walked by faith as she does. I tried not to complain and assured others I was ok. That is all very true for me and my friend. We can be strong Christians and still feel things intensely. We feel guilty for not being all we can be to our family when caregiving takes so much of our time. We need to rest and have little time for it.

Do yourself a favor and confide to a close friend that you need prayer and to just be held for a few minutes.

“When you receive or give a (consensual!) hug, your brain releases a flood of mood-boosting neurotransmitters and hormones, including endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin”. neuroscientist Dave Rabin, MD, PhD.

Isolation and loneliness are common when you are a caregiver. That hug may be just what you need!

Men need hugs as much as women. We all hurt and need comfort at times.

Caregivers get caregivers. We all face similar problems. Some see this as expressing their love. Some see this as a burden. Some feel stuck with the job that no one else wants to do. We all have our reasons for being a caregiver. We all understand the heaviness of our job. That commonality allows us to share our stories and encourage each other.

As supportive as my husband was, he didn’t truly get the load I had been carrying until he was providing care for his own parents. I had to show grace and not hold it against family who had not walked in my shoes yet.

Friends of caregivers don’t wait until others ask for a safe place to talk and really be heard. Watch for signs of weariness or anger and offer to listen or give them a break. Helping provide care will open your eyes to how much is involved day by day in your caregiving friend’s life.

Caregivers don’t attempt to bottle up your emotions. Find a trusted friend, family member or support group where you are heard and understood. Take that mask off and shed a tear or laugh. God is the place we lay our burdens down. Friends can help us do this. Go find a place to shout if you need to. I have been known to do this in my car traveling home after caregiving.

Word for Today

Matthew 11: 28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Song for Today ( My husband sent me this link when I had just left my mom’s side. I had to pull over and cry. Little did I know my mom would be in heaven less than 2 weeks later. 2 days from now will be 10 years since I said goodbye. Miss her all the time.)

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Forgive me for the times I try to do this job of caregiving all by myself. I thank you for sending Jesus to assist me when I am weary and burdened. I thank you for people in my life that came by my side to encourage me.

Open my eyes to other caregivers that need someone to hug them and pray for them.

Amen

Merry Christmas!

Two posts for one today. I just wanted to add this post before the end of the year. This is a time I have set aside to celebrate the birth of Christ and the upcoming anniversary with my husband. My mind is racing with what the future holds.

We were so young when we began this journey of life together. Reflecting over the years we realize there have been too many times we put things off until later. At our age, later is here. Leading a caregiver support group means hearing a lot of stories that ring true for us. Too many of my caregivers talk about the plans for their retirement years that unraveled due to Alzheimer’s invading their life.

We are choosing to do a few of the things we enjoy that we can afford to do.

slow down and enjoy sunsets
sit by the firepit and watch meteor showers
fish on a pretty day
garden
tend our sheep
visit with our friends
take a drive in the country
volunteer
eat when hungry….sleep when tired

You get the idea. We have a lower income now so we are learning to be content with what we have. All of us look ahead and face a question. How long do we have? Make the most of your time.

Caregivers have an uncertain future with their spouse. My dad learned to put my mom’s makeup on. Another man I know bought his wife who was in the late stage of Alzheimer’s a doll. Every night he tucked the “baby” in after she kissed him goodnight. Your love for each other will not die. You just learn to express it in a different way.

Sometimes the unexpected changes hold hidden blessings. Look for your blessings.

Word for Today

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Song For Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We are so blessed by you. We praise you for the many blessings you have given us.

Amen

Excited to See Love in Action

Recently, I spoke to my own church about how they could become more dementia friendly. This included information on how to come along side families and meet their needs as well as learning how to communicate and relate with the person who has dementia.

This type of training allows people to visit someone with dementia in their home without being afraid of the unknownand feeling uncomrtable. Isolation is not good for the person with dementia or the caregiver. They need to have people in their lives to comfort and encourage them. They need friends who can step in and offer respite care. Offering to stay with the one with dementia requires taking time to understand where they are in their journey and adjust to meet them where they are. True love is stepping up to the plate even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Do not ask a caregiver ,”What can I do for you?”. Use your observation skills. Does the lawn need mowing? Do light bulbs need changing? Think of practical things that they may need assistance with. Bring a meal over. Offer to change their car oil. Plant flowers in the flowerbeds.

We can all find a way to help.

The second part was about how we can meet their needs when they attend a church service. It takes a huge effort for the caregiver to actually get someone with dementia ready to go anywhere. Often there are clothing changes due to accidents. You only cause behavior issues if you rush to get ready. Confusion and crowds play into the equation as well. Both people will arrive tired.

Can someone who has served as an usher still serve with mild cognitive decline? Can this person still sing in the choir? Can this person still teach a Sunday School class? The answer to each of these questions is yes! They may need an assistant, but they can still find a purpose as long as possible.

Yesterday I watched an elderly gentleman follow a group onto the stage for a music special. He was seated and given a paper to follow along and he sang. I was moved to tears because I am pretty sure he had mild dementia.

If someone is on a walker, offer to visit with them at the door while the caregiver brings the car to the door. When friends come over to speak to the caregiver after service engage the person with dementia while their spouse shares a few moments with friends. If you notice a caregiver step out to go to the restroom, move over and sit with their loved one so they do not get afraid.

We can be the love that enters someone’s loneliness.

Word for Today

Luke 10:27

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Heavenly Father,

Show me how to love as you love. Open my eyes to the needs around me and give me the compasssion to meet those needs.

Amen

Grief Triggers During the Holidays

I am sitting here by my Christmas tree thinking about family that has gone ahead of me to heaven or those who live miles away. The ornaments hold stories. The first Christmas with each of my children and the ones made by my children and grandchildren have their own section. It is in the back corner of the tree where only my hubby and I know they hang there reminding us of them. There are spun glass hearts and angels that once hung on my mom and aunts trees. Glass humingbirds remind me of my in laws and their love of hummingbirds. There is a long nail spike to remind us of the price Jesus paid for us.

A smaller tree is in the den. It has Alabama football ornaments from a tree we gave my dad in his assisted living facility. We had put it up the first game of the season and grandchilren sent ornaments. We added one after each win. The staff came to talk to him and tease him if they were fans of another team. I can see his smile now as I recall how happy this made him.

On my porch there are wood block pieces from a nativity set my children made when they were young. I only have a few blocks left, but I display them.

Deciding on which cookies to make always reminds me of the ones our grandparents and parents made. Mom made hello dollies. Granny made sand cookies. Ma made an incredible pound cake.

All senses are engaged during Christmas. Seeing and touching decorations can cause your mind to zero in on your missing family members. Hearing a certain Christmas song may bring tears to your eyes. Smells such as cinnamon can transport you to a kitchen from your past. You can almost taste gingerbread without taking a bite.

Grief can hit you with gale force winds at the most unexpected times. I was sorting, discarding and packing up items in my parent’s home. It was going well and I was excited to be making great progress. I picked up a bowl full of potpourri and noticed how dusty it was. I turned to pour it into a nearby trash container.

The aroma of my mom’s favorite scent overwhelmed me. A tear formed and I dropped down on my knees sobbing. My husband found me and rushed in to see if I was alright. Sobbing uncontrollably is very rare for me. I had not allowed myself to truly grieve the loss of mom because my dad had needed me to be strong. It was as if a dam broke when that familiar smell filled the room.

Allowing myself to grieve was healing in many ways. When the tears ceased I was able to thank God for giving me parents that were amazing. Our shared love did not end when I lost them. It gave me an uncredible foundation to keep building my life on.

Three years ago my mother-in-law passed away on December 22. We were exhausted from a hospital stay and move to a nursing home. Calling family, making funeral arrangements, and sleeping consumed our next couple of days. Christmas came and went with neither of us remembering what we did on Christmas Day.

This year we have decided to face the triggers of grief by remembering the good things and keeping our focus on the present. We have decorated, baked cookies and shared meals with friends. Our plans for Christmas morning are quite different this year. We have plans to visit residents at a local assisted living facility. After reading the Christmas story we will sing a few carols and move on to fun songs. Boxes of red reindeer noses, jingle bell necklaces and soft plush snowballs will add to the joy. These activites will be adjusted to keep it a controlled fun to avoid over stimulation!

We made a choice to share hugs and love with those who may need it the most. Wishing you a Christmas filled with love and comfort when grief is triggered.

Word for the Day

Luke 2:9-11

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

Song for the Day

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father

I am so thankful for your healing power over my broken heart. This Christmas season I know memories will flood my mind and grief may be triggered. I trust you to help me live in the moment celebrating the birth of Jesus. Let your joy fill the tender holes in my heart when grief does rise up. I am trusting you through all seasons.

Amen

Overstimulation During The Holidays

Feeling annoyed or drained, acting confused or frustrated, and not being able to make decisions could be signs of overstimulation in adults. That is what can happen to any of us whether we are the caregiver or the person with dementia.

I have overscheduled many times in the past during the holiday season. Sewing 30 angel costumes in one day, forgetting to eat due to cleaning all day, staying up late to finish painting a toy train and traveling for 10 hours with a three week old and twenty month old days before Christmas are a few of examples that come to mind.

Wisdom comes from experience. Thankfully, I learned to slow things down when my mom got Alzheimer’s disease. Christmas was still celebrated. It was just celebrated in a calmer manner. I had noticed as my parents aged that they avoided loud and rambuncious games played by the younger adults and grandchildren over the holidays. They tended to visit in another room with the youngest grandchild. This caught my attention, so I already knew we needed to make a few adjustments.

We planned carefully to prevent overstimulation. Loud music, bright lights and even laughter of children can be frightening for someone with dementia. I was visiting my mom in the facility she was living in during the late stage of Alehimer’s. I could hear a large group of carolers coming down the hallway. They were going door to door and singing. I sensed mom was getting tense, so I quickly stepping into the hallway and asked that only one or two stand in her doorway and the rest of the group sing in the hallway. They had no idea that a sudden rush of people into her room would cause anxiety that would take hours to go away. Instead, they did as I had asked and a smile was on her face as she listened.

You can participate in joyful activities if you plan ahead and let your family members know what would work best in your situation. Maybe the family come in small groups. One could read a Christmas story or sing softly with their loved one. Bring cookies to munch on together. No one I have ever met with Alzheimer’s can resist sweets.

A recent family picture to hand on the wall makes a great gift. If they don’t remember your names, that doesn’t matter. You can write your names on the photo. Include a We Love You. The important thing is they see those words. The most treasured gift is a hug, a held hand, a smile and words of kindess. Avoid asking do you remember. Tell them about the most fun you have ever had with them. Tell them how they have made a difference in your life. Share about what you have going on in music, school, sports or work. They are always listening, even when you think they aren’t.

Simplify the holidays. Slow down. Listen to O Holy Night. Thank God for his gift of Jesus. Sip a cup of hot cocoa. Allow peace to reign in your heart. Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Word for Today

Mark 4:39

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I come to you with a thankful heart. I am a caregiver and some days are challenging, I still have a hand a hold. I know that change will come as I see skills being stolen by dementia. Give me the ability to treasure our memories and to love well on this journey. Allow this Christmas to be focused on the peace you give us. Calm the storms of this busy world and quiet the loudness so we can celebrate you.

Amen

Surviving the Christmas Season After A Loss

Several of the caregivers I know have said their final goodbye to a parent, spouse or close friend or family member this past year. The raw pain and grief lingers as Christmas nears. Pulling out decor and listening to favorite music can trigger heartache and tears. It is important to allow your grief to surface in those moments. After the tears settle, you need to leave room to reflect on wonderful memories. Choosing to reflect on the joys and the true meaning of Christmas can bring healing.

Through the years change occurs. You adjust. I have gone from decorating my tree with many different kinds of ornaments. We used clear glass ornaments and stuffed little pieces of paper listing our blessings each year into them and then painted the year on them. This was fun to read and restuff each year while the children lived at home. Then the ornaments had to become child proofed as grandchildren arrived. Now, there are no little children or indoor pets to be careful about when decorating.

In retirement holidays are quieter. An afternoon spent watching sheep and their guardian dogs with a hot cup of coffee is peaceful. We live very close to a Christmas tree farm and watch families drive by with their trees tied on top. Each season of life brings its own blessings.

In the past my mom and dad loved celebrating Christmas with family and friends. All of the family looked forward to seeing their home with several trees decorated, presents and tins full of cookies and candies waiting to be found.

The last Christmas with my mom was 10 years ago. I knew she was beginning to shut down, but I had no idea she would leave us 2 weeks later. The last Christmas with my dad was interrupted by a surgery for me 4 days before Christmas. I was unable to be with him that year and he was gone as well before the next Christmas.

In 2021 we lost my father-in-law in October. In 2022 we sat by my mother-in-laws side and said goodby on December 22. With children and grandchildren miles away, we now spend Christmas alone. It is very challenging to make adjustments. We choose to focus on God’s gift to us rather than drown in the sorrow of missing the loud family gathering.

Hallmark movies and commercials would have us believe that the rest of the world is perfect. No one is perfect. No family is perfect. Many have suffered losses and feel holes in their hearts during the holidays. You are not alone if you struggle to hold back tears and if you miss the Christmas seasons from your past.

I suggest you take time to share a cup of tea or coffee with a friend. Go ahead and decorate if you wish. Keep it simple if you want. Read the Christmas story in the Bible. Sit with God in the quiet and ponder with amazement the greatest gift we have been given. Choose a meaningful way to celebrate.

Our choice this year is to spend Christmas morning with residents in a memory care assisted living facility. We will read the Christmas story, sing carols and fun Christmas songs. Ruldolph reindeer noses, jingle bell necklaces and soft stuffed snowballs will be enjoyed by all. Then we will come home, turn the tree lights on and relax. The rest of the week is open to many options with extended family and friends.

Be creative in how you celebrate. Thinking outside of the box you always been in may just be delightful. Giving joy to others will bring joy back to you.

Word for Today

Song for Today

Pray for Today

Dear God,

Forgive me when I forget the true meaning of Christmas. My heart may feel sad due to the loss of loved ones, but I know it is a temporary goodbye because of the wonderful gift of Christ to save each of us. Help me to allow that joy and comfort to get me through tough days. I want to dwell in your presence through this beautiful season focusing on others rather than myself.

Amen